If Ever My Life Seems Glamorous

Then just read this, and that misperception will go away.

Oh, and before you go any farther, no info to impart. This is pure screed. I don’t screed lightly, so this is a good one, but still.

Kinda long, too. And it begins like so:

Make Me Hertz

Oh, hey, nice graphic. Car rental company, plus my suggestion for a new tagline. Catchy + really super accurate. I also considered “Make me” followed by their supremely ugly corporate logo. There’s so much you can do with “Hertz.” Please, suggest your favorite. And never rent from them. I hate them so.

Anyhoo, I had a late flight from Denver (nearest airport to me) to Santa Barbara (nearest for lynda.com). I had to pack for three trips, one to LDC, then to Photoshop World, then to SF to film some more dekePods.

That’s a buttload to pack for. (Remember buttload for later in the story.) LDC is all shorts and t-shirts. Photoshop World is light-side professional garb. dekePod looks good FTU (from tits up — that’s what they say in the biz, I’m just sharing).

So I do my usual packing ritual. Followed by “oh no, no, no, I’m going to miss my flight!” Followed by bye-bye lovely golden boys-o’-mine. (Ug, I miss them). Followed by flight’s delayed, so who cares.

But before I left, major freak out. I used my favorite travel agent to book this morass. But when I went to print the itinerary from my email (yes, day of, not very organized), I couldn’t find it. Spent 20 minutes I did not have looking with no luck.

So now I’m operating totally on memory of a 15-minute conversation that involved three cities, rental car, hotels. Weeks ago.

Once safely in the car (me safe? in a car?), I started making phone calls. Saturday, so no travel agent. Dim memory suggested that the rental is with Hertz or Thrifty. I started with Hertz and sure enough, it was them. My flight was a bit late. Would they be open when I landed? Oh sure. They’re open until midnight.

Airport fairly dead. Everybody was going the opposite direction. Into Denver for the DNC on the same weekend I’m leaving. Nice timing, me.

So flight, no news. Bumpity bump, landity land. Got bags, went to Hertz. Only thing is, it was 11:30 at night, and Hertz was closed. Whole building, lights out, bang bang let me in, closed. I called the national desk, they tried some numbers, no one there. Summary: This is highly unusual, but we can’t help you. You’re stranded.

My favorite part: I kept the national gal on the line. I went to the back of the building. Landing dock, lights on. So I found a door, checked it. It was locked but ajar. I pushed and went right in. Called out, looked around. Not a soul. I wandered around, called out a few more times. An empty building full of car keys. Entertained the idea of grabbing a set of keys — that convertable Mustang — but that would have be stealing. So left and pulled the door all the way shut after me. Damn I’m community minded.

So I called a few numbers. Won’t dwell. Short story: really really really stranded.

It was midnight, and for some crazy reason, I was feeling tired. And a bit helpless. So hey, there was this lone taxi. One guy with his For Hire sign on. Only, see, Santa Barbara and lynda.com are separated by the lower half of California. I asked the cabby how much for a ride to Ventura (where LDC is). He said, dunno, maybe $80. I thought, okay, that’s a lot, but why did I ask? Am I going to sleep at the airport?

By time I arrived at the Holiday Inn off the marina, the fare reads — wait, let me find it — $135.85. I tipped the guy $40. C’mon, he’s a service professional. He saved my ass.

So I walked into the Holiday Inn. At the front desk was Sharona. I love this woman. Black, beautiful, consummate professional. (Yes, obviously, her race has nothing to do with my story. Except that her name is Sharona. I’m well versed in the Cultural Handbook of Inventive Names. And besides, yum.)

honey, I’m home, check me in. Only my reservation starts October 16, not August.

So by now, it’s 100,000 o’clock in the morning. Of course, I was sweet as pie. Sharona does that to you. Plus, she resolved everything. The Holiday Inn was full up, as were all the neighboring hotels. But she got me in elsewhere.

And so elsewhere I went. Which is here. The Hilton Garden Inn. Which, tho a lovely hotel, is on the ass end of Ventura. By which I mean, I am staying on Ventura’s ass. Which is to say, the entire city of Ventura is accidentally sitting on me. They don’t know that, they just are. No car and a long drive from anywhere. Charming.

Okay, so here’s the high comedy. Ready? Perfect storm, right? No itinerary for a four-flight trip. Abandoned at airport b/c Hertz suckz. (I made a new reservation with Avis, you’ll be relieved to know.) Finally, no room at the inn (handled impeccably).

So the fourth boot drops: I open my luggage, two bags, and unpack. Only to discover that this time I forgot — every trip I forget something — I forgot:

My underwear!

(Remember, buttload. See how the story comes together? The beginning becomes the end. Watch and learn, my paduas.)

So tomorrow is shopping day. Lovely. What kind should I purchase, do you suppose? What intimate questions should I ask of the shopkeeper?

Nothing I say after that will lead to anything but “Uh! Aaugh! Stop!” on your part. So best to go our separate but differently underpanted ways.


Next entry:News Flash: B/C No Longer Suckz

Previous entry:Picked up a Couple of Awards


  • Somehow..

    ..that’s still glamourous and ever-so-rock-and-roll. I even have the entire thing running through my head as a Dekepod; complete with interspersed stock photos. Screed is a superb word, too.

  • Go Commando!

    Just be careful how you sit in shorts.

  • Hertz suckz

    Sorry to hear about your ordeal with Hertz, I’ll remember never to use them in the future. Maybe you should splurge on some Calvin Kleins to make yourself feel better! I’ve got one pair that I wore on my wedding day, they always make me feel good!

    On another note, I wanted to say a big thank you for the InDesign one-on-one book, it really rules.  As someone with a short attention span, the combination of reading, doing and watching has really helped me learn about InDesign, and quickly too. I also love LDC vids, but I have been getting a lot more out of the book because I retain about 95% of what I’ve read since I am following along on the computer. I’d say it’s about 70% for the vids. Now I just need to convince one of the agencies in London to hire me even though I don’t have a qualification in design!

    P.S. I just bought the Photoshop one-on-one book yee-hah!

  • Road Warrior Advice

    Deke! Did you think that all I can help out with is questions about Illustrator? I mean, you are aware that I’m “The Road Warrior”, are you not? Hey, it’s not me beating my own drum—that’s what American Way Magazine named me.

    In any case, several things:

    - NEVER use a travel agent. They are lovely. They are nice. But they are not you. And with the resources you have online these days, there’s nothing they offer that you can’t take care of yourself.

    - Hertz is actually the best. I would never consider renting from anyone else. Period. I’m not sure what you even mean when you say they were closed—my car is waiting with my name up on the board when I arrive.

    - Almost all airlines/hotels/car rental places have fantastic mobile applications, allowing you to manage most of your itinerary through your mobile phone.

    - NO, I will not be your travel agent (see bullet item #1)

    - I prefer Marks & Spencer underwear from London—I tried them once and now can wear nothing else. Which is problematic since Marks & Spencer doesn’t ship outside the UK and I can only buy new underwear when I travel through London. So if anyone is in London and is heading to NY, let me know…. smile

    smile Mordy

    Mordy Golding


  • At the risk of keeping this questionable thread alive

    Mordy is right about M&S, although he might not be referring to their awesome lingerie (good prices and a wide selection of, ahem, hard-to-find sizes.) Remind me to tell you about the time my 83-year-old Shakespearean actor friend Jack got stopped in customs on his way back from a visit home to London. Jack watched along with everyone else in line as the customs officials unpacked my matching lacy tops and bottoms. The items in question were chosen by me online and procured by a friend, but Jack was my lingerie mule.

    There’s a good M&S in the suburbs of Dublin, too.

    Oh, and Mordy, there are certain things Deke cannot do for himself and must hire others to manage. Travel, the occasional blog post under three paragraphs, explaining that “save it to disk” is an outdated phrase…

  • You guys consider yourselves tipsters

    And your ideas of helpful advice are to stick with Hertz (oh, Mordy, you haven’t been to SBA lately—your name on the board requires an actual board) and fly off to Dublin for underpants??

    I need domestic underpants! Are you telling me this country can’t even make its own underpants? Ye gads, what has 8 years of Bush/Cheney done to us?!?

    I like the Calvin Kline idea. I’m going to call my producer Max and make him take me underwear shopping right now.

    Thanks, Stuart79, for the kind words on the books! Didn’t quite expect that response to this post.

  • Well, at least we know…

    ..that Deke is able to pee off the wood bridge in his backyard without outsourcing that as well. (sigh of relief).

    I actually found a blogger out on the ‘net who was willing to have me ship my underwear to their home in the UK, who then happily shipped them to me. I’m thinking of forgetting this whole Adobe training business and going into underwear importing. What say you, Deke?

    Actually, that brings me to a burning question I’ve had for many years now. If Deke wouldn’t be writing books and selling videos, teaching folks all over the world how to “Photoshop” (did you SEE the article about Photoshop in the NY Times today??!), what WOULD Deke be doing? Rapping 101 tax code loophole tips in 5 minutes? Talking about how to make an awesome pot roast dinner on “dining with deke” on FoodTV?

    smile Mordy

    Mordy Golding


  • nice

    Nice story. My suggestion is to never rent a car when traveling alone. Besides you have to find a place to park the damn thing. I also agree with rwillustrator. You’ve got the internet why do you need a travel agent to misunderstand what you want.

    One other travel tip, I’ve actually had good luck arriving late at night when booked at a nice large hotel (say the Sheraton Palace in San Francisco). Once I arrived at 1:00 AM ...“oh so sad” the only room available was a suite on the concierge floor.


    Head Camp Counselor
    Camp Photoshop


  • A gueling story, but we appreciate it

    I’m picturing the underwear moment like the scene in “The Money Pit” when the bath tub falls through the floor and Tom Hanks starts cracking up hysterically, because there’s nothing else really left to do!

    That story sounds pretty gruelling (but really well-told, I must say it would have been a page-turner had there been pages involved). But speaking for me and a lot of the other photoshop nuts out there im sure, we really appreciate what you go through to give us that awesome training. Your Lynda.com and photoshop classes are totally great! So thank you thank you thank you - and I hope you get some good underwear grin



  • irks hertz

    And here I presumed you had a staff supplied by your publisher to take care of all the details like travel, car rentals & whims. 



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